December 14 , 2014
I can only imagine what it feels like to have someone you love be completely dependent on you. This post came to me while I was confined to the couch with a bad flu (having cancer does not exempt you from this). This post is dedicated to all those caregivers, the ones who are there through it all.
You help me get out of bed. You count my pills and hold my head. I’m dizzy, I’m weak, I’m feeling faint. This is another day. What’s the point again?
I don’t like feeling like this. I feel like a burden and sigh. I’m sorry.
You help me dress and brush my hair. I can’t shower and I really don’t care. You offer to give me a bed bath, but I’m too cold. This whole thing is unfair.
I’m cranky and I know it. You talk and walk too fast. “Just slow down please!” Even that tune you’re whistling makes me want to scream.
“Why are you being so nice to me?!” I yell. You respond with a hug. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
Because I am sick you say and I am allowed to be cranky. This helps subdue me somewhat. Okay, deep breaths. I know you worry.
I blink back tears. Your knowing look means you share my fears. When I open up, we talk for hours. You hold me. You console me. You’re my everything right now. You’re how I get up and why I face the world. I draw on your strength. Because I want you to be happy, I try.
Sometimes I catch you watching me. Maybe you’re wondering what my next mood will be. You say I’m sweet, you say I’m kind. And sometimes I almost believe you’re right.
I don’t know who I am and I know that’s tough. Please stay with me. I’m sorry. I hope that’s enough.
I need my space but I don’t want to be alone. That’s why I always have my phone. And when it rings or beeps I smile. But if you’re waiting for me to answer, it might take awhile.
You see it’s difficult for me to explain, what exactly is going on inside my brain. The one thing I know, the thought that has never wavered, is that I want you and need you. So thank you, my caregiver.